The Maternal Instinct... Myth?

Or rather, a narrative that contributes to a slew of symptoms of a sick society.

I recently heard a podcast clip interviewing, Dr. Becky, author of “Good Inside,” a big name in the parenting world, say, “maternal instincts are a myth,” “they were made up by a man,” and how there is “no scientific evidence” to support maternal instincts being real.

This wasn’t the first time I heard this outrageous belief. (Spoiler alert- I do not agree with this narrative).

I’ve heard this online before for years, and have engaged in discussions around this topic, with other mothers who strongly disagree with my stance that maternal instincts do exist.

I often feel a whip lash from the cultural pendulum swing we always seem to be on. To go from, “Women belong in the kitchen, raising children and out of the workforce,” to, “Maternal instincts are fake and were made up by a man,” truly makes my head spin.

“They were made up by a man”

Well, I can see how a patriarchal society and timeframe in history that was misogynist towards women would weaponize the idea of maternal instincts to “keep women at home,” and give men the rationale for not being involved fathers or caring husbands.

“There is no scientific evidence for maternal instincts”

Im sorry, what? Can we not measure the hormonal matrix of a woman who becomes pregnant and has a baby and even breastfeeds? Can we not experience and observe the shifts in the way we think, feel and interact with the world after becoming mothers? Do we not viscerally feel the way our values change or sharpen? Or that pit in our guts that says when something doesn’t feel right? Can we not observe this in mammals and primates that hold their babies close, sleep with them, protect them?

Have we deferred so much to the next best “expert,” relied so heavily on the next gadget or piece of technology to rock our babies, decipher their cries or what routine to follow that the infant sleep trainer says, that we have forgot our instincts exist?

Even dad instincts aren’t fake. For an involved father, it is already proven that about 6 weeks since having their child, “dad brain” kicks in, which results in a decrease in testosterone, to make room for the softness and nurturing a newborn needs.

Perhaps the statement that there is no scientific evidence for maternal instincts, despite the evidence, especially coming from a woman, is just another example of how women have become foot soldiers for misogynistic beliefs and de-valuing of mothers our society seems to want to cling to.

But what else do we expect from a culture of deferment, hyper-independence and lack of emphasis on care work?

What do we expect from a social media culture that jokes that adult nervous systems don’t know the difference between all the noises in the house vs being chased by a bear, but can’t apply the same respect to an infant nervous system who is being left alone to cry at night?

What do we expect from a culture that tells pregnant women the doctor knows best about their bodies and that the act of carrying and birthing a baby is “dangerous” for humans…

What do we expect when the rate of birth trauma is 1/4, 1/3 being surgical births and the cascade of intervention that leads women towards a disempowering experience during what is one of the most powerful times in her life…

What do we expect when the majority of women claim they want to breastfeed their babies, yet most stop after 6 months and a culture where “fed is best!” and formula marketing is around every corner and in every office and circle she expresses hardship in?

What do we expect when we have, “eat play sleep” and taking Cara babies telling her to put her baby down in the crib on day one?

What do we expect from a culture that chants, “de-stigmatize maternal mental health!” When all that means is that mothers should make more appointments for therapists and psychiatrists?

When I hear “maternal instincts are a myth.” It makes me feel angry and immediately reject this statement. But when I sit a tad longer… I really feel sadness.

Deep sadness for the mothers who feel broken or that this whole thing must just be a man-made up myth to oppress mothers.

Deep sadness for the hardening and disconnect of mothers.

Deep sadness for their experience.

I wonder what it was like for them to be pregnant and give birth? What postpartum was like for them or if they ever had to deal with separation from their baby?

I wonder if when they came home from the hospital, they were met with expectations to be out and about, pass the baby around to any visitor or if they had a partner with a stronger allegiance to please his mother than to protect the boundaries of his new family…

I wonder if she has a husband who claims if he can’t feed the baby too then he can’t bond with his child. I wonder if everyone around her is telling her, if she doesn’t pump, bottle or formula feed, how can anyone else possibly help her.

I wonder if anyone brought her nourishing meals, and if they just sat with her and let her talk or played with her older child while she napped with the baby?

I wonder if when she felt like something was wrong or didn’t like the way something was going, it was respected instead of pushed harder on her. I wonder if she ever experienced a problem with breastfeeding, sleeping, or something else, she was greeted with any other support other than “fed is best,” and “just sleep train.”

I wonder if when she described how she felt to her therapist, her therapist understood that her nervous system knows this culture is a threat to everything her and her baby really needs to thrive, and that she is not the one who is broken.

I wonder if she had a community of women who valued motherhood, attachment and connection…

I wonder if she knew that instincts are a feeling, not necessarily knowing the answers to things. That instincts strengthen with practice, experience, and community that respects this.

I wonder if she has been taught to not trust or listen to her instincts over a lifetime, that reconnection is possible, even if we can’t immediately change or control the way our society operates.

Of course, it is my belief that mother’s can’t do this alone.

Mothers deserve care. When a mother can feel cared for, resourced internally and externally, and when they have partners that can show up for them, then a mothers capacity opens up to reconnect with herself and pour into others from a place of devotion, not depletion.

What do you think when you hear, “maternal instinct is a myth”? Would love to hear your thoughts…